saystheasianleprechaun

Severance

2007-01-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

On December 29, 2007, after reading the comments of Epitaph (which reached Blogspot just before Christmas), Ari’s friend and editor Anouska wrote her a very enthusiastic text message saying that other readers and herself were left “emotionally imperiled.” Nevertheless, despite her feeling that it would be “a sacrilege to suggest revisions from so grand a bitch,” she thought she would not be a good publisher if she failed to point out that the timing was rather abrupt and possibly premature; as many subsequent commenters have repeated Anouska’s original objections, and as they have been answered by as many defenders of this ending for the blog, it is interesting to hear what Ari herself had to say on the matter in the following e-mail, which she wrote immediately on receiving her friend’s suggestions.

Dear Ano:

I read the comments today. And I’m sorry but I cannot change that ending. It is casual—there is no fruity climax, it is not more important than any other part of the blog—if there is a symbol, it is a symbol of personal strength, it must be careless, it must be a thief in the night, and it must be quick. To build this thief into the structure of the blog would be to warp the whole meaning of the blog. The fact that this is unexpected and inconsiderate to readers—that is the emphasis. The conclusion has no more sentiment than the beating of the head with a stick. I’m sorry if that doesn’t get over. It should probably, since I’ve never cared about the readers before. I’ve been on the design of this blog a long time and I’ve earned the right to dispose of it. Let's face it, I’ve been coddling these cows far too long—let them dress themselves! Let them come up with their own opinions. It's time to cut the cord…

You know that I’ve never been touchy about changes, but I have too many obligations apart from this blog, I am not a robot and I can't just run to a computer every time I get some breaking bit of gossip via G*****’s mind-numbing texts. Besides, I am not writing a satisfying blog. I’ve done my damndest to bring a reader’s nerves to broil, I don’t want them satisfied.

One more thing—I’ve tried to write this blog the way my life is lived and not the way blogs are written. Each post has been carefully weighed so the balance is there; it's only natural that they come across as highly edited, insensitive and unkind.

This e-mail sounds angry. I don’t mean it to be. I know that blogs lead to a cheesy+pretentious climax which brings meaning and closure to their readers. This one doesn’t except by implication. The reader must bring the implication to it; if she doesn’t, it wasn’t a blog for her to read! Throughout I’ve tried to make the reader participate in the actuality, what she takes from it will be scaled entirely on her own depth or shallowness. There are five layers in this blog, a reader will find as many as she can and she won’t find more than she has in herself.

Love and chainsaws
A.L.

Big Envelopes

2006-12-14T15:25:00.000-08:00

A.L. must be the biggest virgin in the world.

Cream of the Crap

2006-08-02T03:00:00.000-07:00

previously titled, Leprechauns Are the New Lambert

Marpessa in Ibiza

Blaine Trump is obviously styled. Renee Zellweger looks like a buffalo in heels. And as for Miss Moss, wearing head-to-toe black with bulging bags: Haven't fat, middle-class moms in Newark been rocking that look for decades? The 90's are over.

Time for the Leprechaun List:

Women
-Marpessa
-Marella Agnelli
-Julia Restoin
-Sophie Dahl
-Liz Goldwyn
-Maria Luisa Poumaillou
-Mareva Georges
-Bebban
-Genevieve Antoine Dariaux
-Lauren duPont

Men
-Lapo Elkann
-Dino Dinco
-My Morning Jacket
-Elijah Wood
-Robert E. Bryan
-Kanye West
-Diego Della Valle
-Yvan Rodic
-Patrick McDonald
-Andrea Sacoti
George Clooney bores me.

Couples
-Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore
-Job Smeets and Nynke Tynagel
-Peggy Moffit and William Claxton
-Raphael Enthöven and Carla Bruni
-Carolina and her matador
The Miller sisters can’t dress, though I do envy Isabel Toledo’s flightsuit.

Fashion Professionals
Replace Testino with Robert Claudel.

Fashion Originals
Isabella Blow and Betty Catroux. Anna Piaggi looks like a panda on crystal meth.

Good Evening, Hamass

2006-06-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

Buttcheeks are the new breasts.

Wodehouse and Perelman would be proud- men are now overwhelmingly fixated with women's butts. Why, at my high school this year, "Best Legs," a title I have held since 7th grade, was replaced with "Best Back Pocket," largely due to zealous campaigning on behalf of male members of the debate team. Indeed, the butt is the thinking man's favorite body part.

The standards for gluteal attractiveness are relatively inclusive; smooth skin and expertly seamed bottoms are all one needs to be a modern-day Rokeby Venus. For instance, flatasses like Ari rely on Miss Sixty jeans and Narcisco Rodriguez dresses to give the illusion of curve. According to The Mother and her pals, Miss Sixty anti-cellulite jeans are especially effective and remain potent through fifty washings.

Of course, no amount of serum-enhanced fabric will do any good without the proper foundations. Women with out-of-control asses should wear boy-cut bottoms to counter their disgusting fat. Conversely, French-cut bottoms flatter flat women and bubble butts look best in briefs.

Sweet Bird of Youth

2006-01-28T23:20:00.000-08:00

People this beautiful mut die. Immediately.

That'll Do

2005-12-18T20:44:00.000-08:00

I asked my grandma about Babe Paley and she scrunched her mouth up and said "Well, she was the best-moisturized person I ever knew."

Translation: "The ultimate icon of glamour" was an overrated snore.

Spot Check

2005-07-25T13:58:00.000-07:00

I visited London last week; it was the most boring five days of my life. I got into a fist-fight with a Cockney waitress named Maxine. It was NOT pretty, though my outfit was.

As a firm believer in propriety, I feel my outfit should always suit whatever I am doing at the moment, catfights included. Talk about "crouching tiger!"

Anyscrew, as they say in England, "Sayonara"